I don’t want to complain, but why else have a blog if you can’t write whatever you want? This pregnancy has been rough. Actually, the pregnancy hasn’t been so difficult as much as my health situation. If you know me, I get very frustrated with this weak immune system of mine. Feeling like I am constantly managing my time, friendships, workload, free time and diet in order to try keep my health in check is exhausting. My efforts often pay off, but when I am in a season of weakness, I can’t help but feel plain ol’ sad and “what’s the point”.
I loved being pregnant with my first. Apart from a yucky first trimester with every possible pregnancy symptom in the books, I hit the ground running once I was 16 weeks and honestly never felt so full of life! I felt like I had THE perfect pregnancy and delivery. I would go to the gym 3-4 times a week, I was cooking healthful meals for my family, I didn’t catch a single cold, I had no back pain, I was energized, I gained the “right” amount of weight and I could keep up the same routine as my non-pregnant self. I delivered my then newborn at a birthing centre, with no medication, no assistance, no tears, no recovery, and went home 2 hours later. Honestly, when I would share with my friends the joy of pregnancy, it was heartfelt. Perfect pregnancy pride I call it.
And now … I drag my feet. Every. Single. Day. I feel like a poor friend. I feel like a “lazy” mom. I feel like a pitiful wife. I barely exercise. I eat more junk/convenient than nutrient dense food.Every minute of down time I get, I nap. I cook maybe twice a week. My bathrooms definitely could use a scrub. My tail bone sends contraction like pains down my back. My weight gain is much more significant (making me hesitant about my recovery, as I had such a “perfect” recovery last pregnancy”). My energy levels are non-existent. My immune system has taken a hiatus (I have had migraines and travellers bug since returning from Mexico … too much information??). This pregnancy is far from perfect.
Could it be that my pregnancy is just slightly normal? That this is another area of my life where I need to submit my pride and desire for perfection to the grace of God? I never thought I would have to put my pregnancy under an umbrella of pride and needing grace, but I do. This is a daily struggle it seems, so to say I am “there” yet would be a lie.
I am human and this part of my humanity does not fall out of the realm of my need for Jesus. I have to speak truth that my pregnancy doesn’t have to be better than last time, or better than anyone elses’. This pregnancy just simply is and is good enough. That I am also enough and able to carry through without fear.
1 Timothy 1:7 “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.”